ARTICLES
(continued)...
I get asked all the time to write on the life
sector of
RELATIONSHIPS.
It's not an easy area of life to navigate through.
Trust me, I went to the school of hard knocks in this
subject.
For those that are currently enjoying a happy relationship
-great
for you! It's wonderful to go through life with a supportive, loving
partner. 
For those who are in an unfortunately bad
relationship,
it's time to let it go and change your circumstances and happiness
level in life. If you feel you dont deserve better, then I would
suggest counseling. And lastly, for those of us who have no
romantic relationship- look at yourself and your life and think hard on
why it is you may be single. Maybe you want to be single. Maybe you
have a fear of commitment or a fear of the unknown. Or maybe
it's
just not the right timing in your life for you to be with someone.
God brings 2 perfectly-matched people together when they are
BOTH
ready. This is what keeps me optimistic that the right person
is
out there for me. Below are some of my blog topics for your
reading enjoyment:
WHAT
YOU SHOULD EXPECT:
As the world spins continuously
without pause, and the sun
rises and sets, humans however keep evolving and times have changed,
and will
continue to keep changing. Men think women are just plain ole
crazy and
expect too much from them, and women think men are a$$holes and think
with
their 'other' head...to each his own. All too often though,
in our
evolving society-men want to be more feminine AKA Metrosexual,
and women
want to be men's equals. The dynamic between men and women is at a
turning
point. I myself believe that women should have an equal opportunity to
attain their goals, without restriction, while
maintaining their
femininity and not trying to grow a pair of balls-literally. Men should
pay
attention to their appearance, yes, but there is that
fine line- so
thread lightly! Men should also try to be more understanding
of women's
needs, but not lose their own masculinity in the process.Men try to
figure
women out and vice versa, and guess what? there is no such
thing as
figuring out the opposite sex!Stop trying to figure things out and
finding out
what the other sex wants. Men & women are scientifically proven
to be
biologically different in all areas. Proven facts!
What would make men
& women a lot more happier is to
simply find someone they feel is most compatible with themselves, being
alike
yet maintaining differences,and just coexisting. When you yourself have
figured
out who you are and have acquired that true sense of self, then you can
pursue
trying to find a partner to SHARE your life with, not someone to MAKE
your
life..
Dont try to find
someone who meets ALL your
expectations, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointments
down the
road. Realize that every1 has one or many issues in their
life, that you
may have to deal with. Issues can range from life situations to mental
and
emotional problems, bad habits, previous baggage of any kind(ex
flames)...the
list is endless! If you feel you can't deal with any those
issues from the
other person, then it's time to move on and close that chapter for
good. You
deserve to have what you want, without SETTLING!
I am a perfectionist, but
a realist as well, I know that no
one-not even myself can attain perfection in one lifetime- or many
lifetimes,
but I can come damn close. I can try to be the best at whatever it is I
want to
accomplish.I can give as well as receive, and that's what balance is
all about.
I havent found the person that is right for me, but I refuse to settle
for
less. I rather be alone than unhappy.
For both Sexes:
Point
is, just accept someone who treats you right, meets
most of your standards & preferences, and will provide you with
what you
NEED, which is true love, affection, appreciation, respect, and
loyalty. If men
& women both live up to this principle, only then
will we all be
happier with each other and have 'figured it out'....
LETTING
GO:
In daily observance of the world, I noticed a trend among guys and gals
alike...they just cant move on from the past. Granted, it may
not
be easy- but people- come on... Why stay in an uncomfortable situation
just because it's "what you know or are used to"...life is all about
opening new doors and leaving toxic people and bad situations alone.
Ask yourself "hmm..how's this working for me?" if the answer
isn’t positive, then it's time to bounce.
One of my life motto's in dating is "Ex to the Next". Why waste time on
something that's destined to fail? It's not hard .... If you're not 70
and about to die of loneliness anytime soon, then its time to say
"NEXT!"- then be out and experience new people and new surroundings,
and make your life HAPPY AGAIN...
Awww. we've all been in that place where we just can't seem to say Ex
to da Next that easily...(I haven’t been in that place in
years
though)...but to those who are and want to make a failed relationship
work, then I do believe in second chances and giving it your all to
make it happen....breaking up is hard to do....and making up can seem
wonderful- but it's short lived most of the time. I give it 6 months
before things get back to the way it used to be, and you'll find
yourself miserable and full of disappointments because you thought the
outcome would be different. It takes two to make a relationship work
out....and its a constant compromise. If you find yourself to be the
root of the problem, then you know you have the power to change the
circumstances that are keeping your relationship in the ground (dirt!),
it all begins with you!...There's no magical fairy that'll fix or solve
life's problems for you, & if you believe that things will just
work themselves out- you're in for a rude awakening!
Now, if you STILL find yourself unhappy at the end of the day,
everyday, then it's time to once again break up, for good! If
my message prompts you to want to prove me wrong, and you
happen to succeed in doing so, you'd still have me to thank for being
your catalyst..
I will
quote from an article about getting over a
breakup, written by Ms.Lynette R. Holloway:
"How do you pick up the pieces after an emotional blow?
Fact is,
the act of breaking up is a process thats as old as time. But each
person goes through a breakup, whether it’s a spouse or
gf/bf, it
still feels like the first time, and people think they are never going
to get over it. Good news is that you have healed from past hurts, and
you will heal from this one. The human spirit is resilient. The key is
to take time out for yourself to recover. Resist the urge to spend
hours lying on the couch, overeating and watching movies that may give
you revenge ideas. Get busy and do things that will help you combat
stress and depression- such as working out, etc. Reconnect with family
& friends. Guys shouldn’t move onto the
next girlfriend
until emotionally ready. Take a hiatus/break because if you
don’t
you'll only be adding to the dysfunction. The joy of a new relationship
is fleeting because the newness wears off and the mistakes from the
past are often repeated. When you don’t learn the
lesson,
the repercussions are more painful with each experience. In the end
fellas, you'd be hurting and confusing the new woman because her new
man is emotionally unavailable. The man then wonders why he
continues to encounter the same kind of women and problems.
The
best way to avoid this pattern is to GRIEVE the loss of a relationship
in the same way that you would mourn the death of a loved one. There
are stages of loss that many people don’t realize they must
experience in order to move on.
Stages:
- Denial- you don’t
believe or want to
believe this is it, truly over, so you wait for the phone to ring.
- Anger and/or depression- it's
usually one or the
other. work on the anger because it'll release the depression
- Pain- once you start releasing
the depression,
you'll feel pain and sadness. THIS IS NORMAL!!
- Guilt- Don’t kick
yourself because you
missed or
overlooked the red flags that went up in the course of your
relationship. Everyone makes mistakes, key is to LEARN from them.
- Bargain- this is the stage
when people try to
get back together with the person and patch things up
- Acceptance- when you accept
that it's over, you
are ready to move on
IMPORTANT: The phases can be thrown off course if you return
to
your ex in ANY fashion, whether talking on the phone or hanging out
with them in any way (with a group of friends, casual sex). You're not
going to move through the phases very well at all if you continue to
see or encounter the ex.
This is why a lot of people don’t get through breakups or
loss,
because they continue to keep in touch with that person. In order to
get through it and get to the other side, YOU MUST GRIEVE!
You
cannot hold on to the person and grieve."
OK! Now, men are worst at letting go of ex's and letting go of
emotional baggage properly- because they are men and its biologically
harder for them to emotionally release and let go. It may seem as if
they bounce back quickly, but dont be fooled by this facade of
the 'I got over it'. They move onto the next person
without
taking the time to heal or reflect on what was, and in turn, they
carry their emotional baggage into the next relationship. As
I've
told some of my ex's- the only baggage I like is Louis Vuitton
&
Fendi. (I was j/k though, I am not that shallow, lol)
So, dear MEN: please follow the advice given here
and don’t start something new until you're completely over
your
ex and done with her...I hear the excuse "me and my ex are just
friends"....yeah uh-huh, why
is there a need for that? If you want a new woman
to enter
in, you've got to close the open doors of the ex. And if you give your
new woman that speech that you don’t like enemies and hate to
have someone hate you, please go slit your wrists now, cause you are
useless! lol.Okay , too harsh- but there's no need for any ex
flames to be in your life if you are TRULY over them. Their presence in
your world should mean little to nothing to you, so learn to LET
GO!! 
There
was an older
DJ on the radio who was
against cutting
ties, his reasoning was that if we shared a life or moment with
someone, why is it that we have to get over it and not speak to that
person, maintaining a friendship. I had the pleasure of befriending
this DJ shortly thereafter, and his reasoning did make some
sense. Here is an excerpt of his response to me:
DJ
John: "My response to you, respectfully, is that the need to
erase someone who has been a part of your life for any significant
period of time is an act of not "letting go and moving on".. lol... you
may have excised the "person" from your life, but the "need" to avoid
further contact with them suggests that they still hold some influence
over you.. and that you have not moved on... For example, when we
complete a project or experience in life, whether it has succeeded or
not, does not preclude our revisiting it.. if there is not lingering
emotional attachment, we can revisit it as often as we wish, without
concern.. the need to "avoid" it suggests a continuing
"connection"..lol I am able to be friends with my ex-wife because I
have moved on, there is no lingering, unfinished business to avoid..
She is an old friend, someone who, in the past, shared my life, there
is no need to avoid her.. when she comes to dinner, the old
relationship is not part of it.. she is now, just an old friend.. I am
sure you know that everyone, and I mean everyone who touches our lives
even for a moment, becomes part of our life experience forever... even
a casual conversation on a plane becomes part of our memory bank...
forever.. so, to "avoid" the presence of someone we once loved and
shared so much time with is a denial of ourselves, we are in reality,
avoiding a part of who we are and how we got to be who we are.. I will
always include those people who have touched me in any significant way,
in my present day life.. they are contributors to who I am today... My
ex and I spent 20 years growing up together, to deny that experience
and refuse to embraced it, good or bad, would be to deny all those
years of growing up together.. when the past has no hold on you, you
can embrace in with ease, if you feel the need to "avoid" it for any
reason... I suggest you have not come to terms with it."
Very good point made John! I do speak to a few of my ex's on
occasion.When they contact me, I'm pleasant, civil, and speak to them
as if I was talking with a buddy. But first of all, I am not
in a
relationship or plan to be with anyone at the time being. And secondly,
I have moved on emotionally from them, so I am able to still be civil
and friendly. The point I'm trying to make is that I have let
go
EMOTIONALLY. BUT, if I was in a new relationship, then out of respect
for the new person in my life, I wouldn't communicate with my ex's. I
must say that I have learned to let go in my late 20's (now 30).
I dont waste energy hating or resenting any ex of mine,
simply
because it destroys me if I do. Pent up aggressive, negative
feelings damages the soul and is a cancer that poisons your mind and
does harm to the body. My self-love does not allow me to
give
power to anyone, especially an ex who is undeserving of any part of me.
(AMEN), lol...
There may be some valid reasons for having an ex still in your life
though:
- Having children from a previous
relationship. A
civil relationship should be in place for the child’s sake.
There
shouldn’t be a total cut off in this case
- A friend’s boyfriend is in
the tough place of
feeling obligated to be friendly with his ex because he was a cosigner
for her student loans. In order not to have his good credit
tarnished, he feels it best to remain amicable. This too is
an
understandable case. Emotionally though, he has let go-
supposedly.
SO there are exceptions to every rule. Now for those who still are
overly
chummy and even physically see their ex’s - Ask
'why'- if
there is no
valid reason, then it may because there may be lingering emotions. If
that doesn’t seem to be the reason, it may be a sexual
connection
that they don’t want to sever permanently (for the just in
case
booty call). Ladies beware: Guys usually have hidden
agendas!
Women get over breakups a little easier, because we let all the
emotions out..we cry, we break things, we complain to our
girlfriends...it's a release that’s necessary...and most of
us
don’t bother keeping ex's around unless there's a good
reason..and there usually isnt! So women, remember, he's an
ex
for a reason- LET GO!!
Overall, we need to learn to let go of unnecessary people in our lives
that may hold our progress back. The progress of self growth
and
new experiences. Trying to have a hand in the ex (not
literally),
and a new flame is wrong. We are in the ‘get over
it’
generation. This is a bittersweet sentiment. It’s
good
because it means we programmed ourselves to move on, but it can be
bitter because it lacks compassion and understanding.
Balancing
this concept to fit specific people and situations encountered in life
is key to healthy emotional living. I’ll
say it
again- balance is the key to maintaining a happy, content, enriched
life.
Some of us for various environmental and/or biological
reasons
may not be equipped to be so
emotionally strong. For this, I suggest professional help and
medication for the chemical deficiencies. For the rest who's will
isn't strong enough, find a release or outlet. Sports, martial arts,
anything
artistic- musical or visual arts. If not, I
recommend seeking out life coaching, or
counseling to help promote that emotional release which is the culprit
for most of our societal problems.
If
you would
like to know more about our offered services please
click
here
-Authored by Tesheca
LaRose, CEO & President of HHH Services